For the past couple years I fell madly I love with the father of my son. It was not until now that I realized that I had tried so hard to form myself into the woman he wanted me to be that I stopped loving myself, and I have come to a dead end on the thing that I loved to do. Once Adam was born I changed a bit more into a mother and I have spent lots of time reminiscing on that past and what I have done in my life. I used to travel, write books, poetry, take photographs, and talk to people All over the world I knew I would most likely never meet. I started to remember what my last heart break felt like, when I was 17 years old I swore to myself that my life was over because of a boy and that I would never love anyone else. I started to write a book about my travels and heart break when I turned 18 and felt that I had some closure. When I fell in love with Aaron it was those thing that were always causing arguments and that I didn’t care about him as much as I cared about my love for writing and art. This was due to the fact of me promising myself no never love again. We were together and I changed and I kept changing to the point where I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing with my life anymore other than working, sleeping, making love, eating and repeating the process. My life became a conveyor belt of events that just simply repeated themselves. The arguments even sounded like a skipping record or it could have been déjà vu.. I’m not to sure about any of it anymore. When I found out that I was pregnant I had something out of the ordinary and I was very excited. Aaron seemed pretty excited as well but I realized in the time I spent at home carrying our child, while he was with friends and going to concerts, bars, and going skate event he could find, I started to face reality that I needed to love myself and do things that I enjoyed before our baby had come into this world. I wanted to go to coffee shops and get an iced tea for the fresh scent of espresso, I wanted to go on hikes and take lovely photos of my carrying my baby boy with him and I as one. I wanted the cute maternity photos with a happy mother and a happy father with a baby bean growing inside. I feel like all I wanted to do was normal things a soon to be mother wanted to do, but we (baby Adam and I) were always pushed to the back burners because “we could do it later” or “why not next week” as this selfish man went out leaving us behind once again. I still remember that day that I went into labor, when I swore I hated my best friend because of prior things we had argued about, one of which being this man that had totally changed me into the one thing I never wanted to become. SHE was the one by my bed side the whole time, and she took care of me like I wanted him to do so. I understood that he was scared but I don’t think he knew how extremely terrified I was. He never started painting the nursery, and he never started putting the furniture together. Where was I going to take this beautiful baby boy home to once we got to leave this hospital. I was scared of the things that could go wrong in the birthing process and I was terrified that something with be wrong with my sweet boy. I knew how he was feeling in those moments, but I couldn’t just get up and leave. I couldn’t go outside and smell the fresh air. He was a great father while it lasted which surprised me, he would wake up when I woke up for feelings during the night to make sure I was comfortable, he would make me food, get me water, he did all of the sweet stuff for awhile and I had high hopes of him growing into a father. But then he left us, my son and I. He had more important thing he needed to take care of, he had other things he needed to accomplish rather than taking care and having his family stay together. And I can’t help but choke on the fact that someone would rather put more effort into other people than their family. I’ve never really been much of a family person, my family seems to be the type to argue and bitch about everything you do but I realize the beauty in the mess I call a family now. But to get back to the point now that it is my son and I. I plan on taking way to many photos once more, I plan on finishing my book “2,792 ways to love yourself” and I plan on writing another about the most beautiful little boy I have ever set my eyes on. I am on a journey to find my old self, to remember the happy woman I was once before so I can teach and show my son how beautiful the world can be.
I’m going to continue my book, also I have a new blog. Go follow! -Amelia
